Saturdays

A typical Saturday- sleeping in, coffee and donuts, leisurely preparations for the day and some cat care…basically free time stretches out before me, of course limited by our budget.

It’s taken an effort of will, but essentially I am looking at a large blank space any time post-work that I am trying to keep open. It’s interesting to me to realize that it has taken willpower to keep it open, to not panic and plug something in there quickly to replace the latest failed quest. Although I have been not only blogging, but also writing seriously, it’s still just a pastime. The first thing that comes to mind for my leisure time is to use it to wander around the city.

In general, I haven’t really had what I would consider ‘leisure time’ since about 1994. It’s a new experience and very enjoyable. Unfortunately, I am also starting to come to terms with the fact that my past adventures have somewhat taken a toll on me physically. I find that I need to pay a lot of attention to diet and exercise in order to compensate for wildly fluctuating energy and endurance levels. This is yielding some promising results and I also need to visit the sleep clinic as I snore like a small chainsaw. Although I am not surprised, the less meat I eat the better. I have fired the beef and pork and the chicken for me is part-time only, that seems to keep my energy level consistent during the day. If I get seven hours straight through of sleep, I am unstoppable. Maybe there will be another day for questing, but for now its in my interests to slack a bit, it’s overdue.

A little bit of Blake

To those who dwell in realms of night
God appears, and God is light.
To those who dwell in realms of day
God doth a human face display.

–Wm. Blake
Songs & Proverbs (?)

Thomas Stewart

Thomas Stewart Dies
By Susan Elliott
MusicalAmerica.com
September 25, 2006

Thomas Stewart, an American baritone active in the major opera houses of the United States and Europe, has died. He was 78. According to conductor John Edward Niles, a colleague and close friend, Stewart died yesterday afternoon while playing golf near his home in Rockville, MD. “He fell to the ground and was dead instantly.”
His wife, soprano Evelyn Lear, was with him at the time.
Thomas James Stewart was born in San Saba, Texas on Aug. 29, 1928. He originally studied electrical engineering in his home state, but ultimately found his way to the Juilliard School, where he studied with Mack Harrell. He made his debut in 1954 as La Roche in the American premiere of Richard Strauss’s “Capriccio,” and went on to sing with the New York City Opera and the Lyric Opera of Chicago.
He made his major-role debut with Städische Opera, now the Deutsche Oper Berlin, in 1958 as Escamillo, having traveled to that city the year prior with Ms. Lear, whom he married in 1955, both on Fulbright Scholarships. He remained on the Berlin company’s roster until 1964. He debuted at the Royal Opera House in 1960, again as Escamillo, and sang frequently at Covent Garden (Don Giovanni, the Dutchman, Gunther) until 1978; he was a regular at the Bayreuth Festival for 15 years (1960-75), singing, ultimately, Wotan and Wolfram.
Stewart made his Metropolitan Opera debut as Ford in “Falstaff” in 1966. He returned to that house regularly until 1980; the Met data base lists his last season there as 1993-’94. Aside from the above, his best known roles included Iago in “Otello,” Count di Luna in “Il Trovatore” and Yevgeny Onegin. He sang the title role in Aribert Reimann’s “Lear” (1981) with the San Francisco Opera and received a medal from that company in 1985 for his 25 years of distinguished performances.
In recent years, he and his wife have run the Evelyn Lear and Thomas Stewart Emerging Singers Program of the Wagner Society of Washington, D.C.

Although I wish I had been closer to him and I could be considered one of his significant disappointments, he was an inspiration to me. The Stewarts provided me valuable career guidance, long-overdue artistic validation, coaching and concert engagements in a difficult time. Mr. Stewart’s legacy lives on in several amazing recordings, my personal favorite is his Telramund in Lohengrin on DG. His Hans Sachs in Die Meistersinger is considered the benchmark for that role and should send most Bass-Baritones active today scurrying back to the practice room with haste. His instrument was a resonant, clear sound with a handsome, rich color and intelligent, efficient technique. He backed the sound with impeccable musicianship and communicative stagecraft praised by Brigitte Nilsson among many others. I found him an imposing presence, and when I first sang for the Stewarts, I thought he was about 7 feet tall. Undoubtedly, a musical giant whose loss is keenly painful to not only the World of Opera but to anyone who had the pleasure of his acquaintance.

Kick the Can

I used play this game as a kid, I am sure most people have: Kick the Can. If you kick it without getting tagged, everyone gets to come in out of hiding and start another round. I am certain that this is a VERY old game. It was one of many games that seemed to share a central idea of “coming home” or safe harbor. The person who was “it” had to tag all the other kids out to stop being “it”, if memory serves, and the last tagged becomes the new “it”. Being it was challenging and seemed to have a sort of quest element to it, like a child’s version of the labors of Hercules. I am not sure where this is going, it may be tangential to my original idea I wanted to write on, which is the idea I call “Ultimate State.” Since I can remember, there always seemed to be some state or some goal I was working towards, evolving to, some can to kick or kids to tag. I never realized until recently that it was something I had bought into, and the final goal I was moving toward was always of my own choosing. Occasionally it would be some opportunity that would present itself that seemed good. Other times it would be long term projects, money or personal growth as a goal. The final destination always seemed to be enlightenment, wealth, success, some enviable career path. Along the way I would get slowed, distracted, stopped, or just plain fail. But, I would be happy when I got there, everything would be great, the world would be perfect, and my life would be incomplete, unfinished, in progress until that point. All my energy would be directed, focused toward that goal. Along the way I would be somewhat blind to all else as mere distraction. My point is that this is a questionable worldview at best, and all the wisdom literature I have read pointed in a completely different direction. It may be that with an obsessive level of energy invested in something, its easy to see the world shrink down to that narrow point. The goal was not wrong, the perspective was. Nothing is wrong with chasing achievement, but I am seeing how it is possible for people for to reach these amazing goals and still be unhappy, the voice inside still restless, quelled only by drink and drugs. I read it in the news every day, enough said. More on this later, to get past the Gods only changing names.

Truth vs. World part 3

So, it’s all good with the Druidism, but I had an amazing idea today. I am going to take the advice of the Buddha and work out my own salvation with diligence. I will forge my own path, develop my own connection with the Universe and the Source of All. Just living ethically seems fairly simple, because that’s what I find rewarding by nature, but the Transcendant part is more challenging. I will start with the humor, sense of play and spiritual freedom from Dogma of the Discordian. As the legs of the table, I add Ruiz’ Four Agreements. For Cosmology, I’ll use the Druid’s Ardach Fionn as a foundation, adopt their views on Reincarnation, their reverence for Nature, love of music, practice of cremation, veganism and some of the general principles found in the Welsh Triads. Next, we need a healthy dose of Tantric Practice to address the shortfall there. For further, specific coursework, and meditations, nothing comes even close to the Arica School and some good old T’ai Ch’i. Serious seekers only should check out their challenging and effective curriculum. (Sidebar: Martial Arts are a necessity for me, I need to get back into that ASAP.) Although, it seems to me of late that just making a living and surviving are VERY conducive to growth in themselves. Symbol, Ritual and Holidays are another matter entirely, I am starting to realize the necessity of marking important occasions such as birth, death, marriage, coming of age. This is the shortfall of the Erisian/Discordian path, there are no really serious rituals. The Christians have this one pretty much cornered, although most of them are based on the Old Pagan High Holidays. Nothing wrong with those, but I think they need some revamping. Honestly, Christmas has become hopelessly venal, Easter has lost its luster as well. We should probably return to the Old Rituals as a foundation and tweak from there. Thanksgiving has enormous unexplored potential and Halloween/Samhain is thoroughly ROCKED here in New York City. I just passed by a store today that was entirely devoted to it. I think I have a good start on my practice, I just need to encourage this seed to grow. I have all the raw material, I can put it together in some kind of framework, similar to the Peaceful Warrior approach. A journal I think will be most helpful in this. More to come, feedback is appreciated.

Truth against the World part 2

Several things seem to be drawing me in towards Shamanism and specifically Druidism. Since I started doing the Work, my dreams have become more vivid and cryptic. My inner Psychologist tells me that communication between my subconscious and conscious has increased in bandwidth & volume of data. This is good for someone as heavily left-brained as myself. Next, Truth as put forth by this book, consists of direct experience. Merlyn, according to the Arthurian Lore, SHOWED Arthur the teachings by experience, not by lecture. “This, young man, is what it means to be a Fish for a bit, in you go then”: SPLASH! That is a good approach for me as well. I also like the word Lore- to me it seems to imply that whether its Fact or Fiction, there is something useful to be learned here.
I have a deep love for nature, animals, the planet and a strong interest in biology/ecology/ survivalism, and gardening. Also, there appear to be strong connections between Druidism and the Eastern Philosophies as well as the Greek/Orphic Mystery school that the Aricans inherit. Additionally, there is Jung and his work, which carries no small weight as commentary and guidance. As a bonus, Druidism is partly my heritage as I have Welsh ancestry on my Mother’s side of the family (Drink! Sing! Write Poetry! Build Stonehenge!) . I think there is going to have to be a part 3. To conclude this one, its difficult to argue with Objective Reality in the form of the Planet and its various contents. This is what is real: the Earth, the Seas, the Sky. Mother Earth, your wayward child returns Home at last.

Truth Against the World part 1

I was strolling through Borders the other day, looking for something on grief that might help me, when I found it. I had read it once already on the recommendation of a friend, but wasn’t ready to absorb its wisdom at the time: The 21 Lessons of Merlyn. It was not expensive and delivered exactly what I was looking for. I’ll be the last person to indulge in New Age flakery, and I have spent many years studying and/ or participating in several of the world’s major religions (this includes singing service music to over 4,000 people in the Basilica), so if I am finding something to retain here, chances are high others will find some solid wisdom here as well. In a nutshell: I was raised Catholic (solid, clear definition of right and wrong + accountability in the confessional), went to the Methodist Church (less Middlemen, much less Pederasty), then after a serious illness went deeply into Zen Buddhism(you get to come back & try again), picking up some EST training, and a solid introduction to Arica along the way. For a number of years and most recently I have considered myself a Discordian (make fun of everyone and yourself, Hail Eris Goddess of Chaos). Then, I read the writings of Don Miguel Ruiz, and that seemed a little more focused, and a lot of the ritual work in that was EXTREMELY helpful to me. So I became interested in Shamanism in general as a philosophical superset of a lot of what I had been looking into, but the Druidism espoused in (21 Lessons) seems closest to the mark. More specifics in part 2.

Mostly Infotainment

Ever since I was a kid, I have always seemed to be in need of information, in need of entertainment coming from outside myself. Occasionally, this quest would reach feverish proportions, consuming large quantities of information out of boredom at first, then later out of some sketchy need to be better at something, more of something, or “in the know” on something. I would go through technical information, investing information, science fiction, self-improvement, some classics, poetry, the CDs of various bands, popular nonfiction that caught my eye. All ended up getting sold, left behind, stolen, whatever. I noticed that none of it really rearranged my life to any significant degree, with a few exceptions (Millman, Frankl, Ellis, Tao Teh Ching, Tao of Physics, Principia Discordia, the Bible.) Slowly, over the course of time, this strange existential grip on my soul loosened its grasp, finally to drop away completely. I still have no idea where it came from. Most anything important I seem to have internalized, and that seems to inform my decision making process from that bedrock of solidly integrated data (schema) which is part of me. For now, I seem to be free of these desperate quests for some sort of ill-defined sense of completion. Everything with me is OK for now, no urgent corrections or upgrades are on schedule. What I need to create is a solid approach for determining what information may be useful, valuable, critical, missing but needed from what I know already. I would say 99.5 % of what I see out there is infotainment. More on this later.

Monkers

I miss my kitty. He was chubby, he was quirky and he had a short tail. When he was displeased about something, he had a ‘complaint’ sound that he would make, a ‘Maroo’ sort of sound that would go up in pitch and then down. When he wanted to show affection, he would ‘bonk’ you with the top of his head, sometimes very firmly. The cat books call this “bunting” and apparently it’s fairly common. When I gained his trust, he would let me rub his belly. He loved to be brushed and he would shed in impressive quantities, although he was a black & white shorthair with buff/tawny trim. He liked to play with a length of red string, it was his favorite toy. At night, he would sleep on my shoulder or on my chest, sometimes near my head. I really enjoyed him, I loved to give him treats and catnip. It seemed like such a short time I got to spend with him, but it was quality. I have managed to sleep through the night without waking up looking for him, but that took about two weeks. Once when I woke, one of Laura’s cats came up to me with a querolous miyow and jumped up on the bed, that was very comforting. I have to stop now.

Work and Play- I want a normal life!

So, a singer friend of mine asked me the other day how things are going. Unfortunately, I am still trying to break the habit of giving too much information in response to this question, but occasionally the answer is complex. Recently I made the decision to retire from the pursuit of a singing career for the second and final time. I met with my current voice teacher and informed him of my decision. I have been seriously studying, auditioning, competing, performing, coaching, workshopping and practicing nearly daily since about 1992 as an adult. Even reading what I just wrote makes me tired. I have had a few moments in the sun, received validation from singers of historical significance, met a lot of wonderful people and I made a little money. I am very ready to leave it behind, and contrary to popular rumor, will never regret it, nor will I ever ‘wonder what might have happened.’ I will tell whats going to happen- I decided to do something and/or nothing else. I know ahead of time that the road has forked, and in the words of the Master Yogi Berra, I took it. So I have written, so shall it be done, not one more note upon my very life. Those involved in the pursuit of a musical career will need no explanation. For anyone else- my day is now split into two parts: Work and Play. Before 5 PM is the WORK part. From 5 PM until I go to sleep is the PLAY part. It’s that simple, yet I am incredibly elated.