Legacy

I have to say firstly that I love kids. I am so excited and happy for my friends that have them. I appreciate them, I am comfortable with them, and I enjoy seeing my nieces and nephew when I have the chance. I even love it when they are bad, because I don’t have to discipline them. That is a recent phenomenon..

That being said, it’s not for me. Because of this, I do not have what I consider to be a ready-made ‘legacy’. In a larger sense, you can say that everything we have done, said, been, felt, spoken, is in what is called the “Akashic Record”. However, for me this is a very subtle notion although it does square with the quantum mechanics I have been reading. What I am driving at is better thought of as a body of work. All my heroes have this body of work: in literature, in recordings, in discoveries and philosophic ideas, history-changing events, foundations and inventions. These things carry forward in time for future generations to learn from, use and enjoy. As none of my dayjob work survives any remarkable length of time, except as man-hours converted to paycheck form, this idea is starting to press on me. I am beginning to feel a sense of spiritual urgency, a need to say things unsaid, to explore the depths of my being and devolve story from what I find therein. I need to tap that oil reserve and start typing, to fulfill a deep-seated need to sound my barbaric yawp (Thanks Whitman!) , unlock my word-hoard (Thanks Burroughs) and let it spill out (untidy yet shining?) into the light of day. These little marks on paper, evidence, a private and unique universe, of things seen a certain way, spoken of in a certain way, unlike anyone else’s, yet strangely familiar. There is a fine line line between contrivance and inspiration that I find myself treading with care… or I could just be lazy. There are worthy distractions to overcome, I must be strong.

Data Smog Part 2

I am making some headway as far as dealing with the huge quantity of information out there. The first primary division is reading for pleasure- basically for entertainment, although it is possible that I could be reading something heavy for pleasure, such as “The Dancing Wu Li Masters” by Gary Zukarov. However, the basic intention behind it is entertainment. If I wanted to be be more specific I could break that down into other categories by degree of quality or intellectual content, but for now I’ll stay with Entertainment as grouping #1. I am going to call grouping #2 as Nonfiction, and this group has the intention of satisfying a passing curiosity, but not something I am going into in depth. It could’ve come recommended to me, or have captured my interest through a review. A good example of a book like this might be Gladwell’s “The Tipping Point” or “The Number.” The third category I want to call “Applications.” Books like the Dummies’ Guides would fall into this category, generally educational. These are sometimes technical, or books that deal with accomplishing a specific task or acquiring a skill. There is a more long-term interest along with a solving for X, looking for some specific piece of information which is unknown to me or partially unknown. If I wanted to learn how to brew beer, or make glass, or renovate a house, this is the category for that. So: Entertainment, NonFiction, Applications. I think its a good start. The only other category I can think of offhand is Current Events, but my input on these is limited to 3 sources: AM New York, The Captivate screen in the elevator, and Good Morning America for about 10 minutes in the morning. I’ll call it 3 categories plus 1/2. Another category could be career-related, but that could in my case fall under NonFiction, but could be a primary sub-category under Applications. I am not convinced that it deserves its own slot. Maybe another half to round it out at a clean 4, its possible. With a little Philosophy behind it, this could become an efficient and valuable filter, for now its working well.

Plan D

I say it was a mistake, but I did learn something valuable from it, so maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. I used to have a GREAT dayjob as a helpdesk technician for a large Mid-Atlantic Retail Grocer. I worked in their Headquarters, and I made excellent money. That entire division I was in basically disappeared, its function absorbed by another business campus, then vaporized I understand. I should have followed my boss to the new firm, but I didn’t know how good I had it. I had my own business at the time and very successful partners, I thought it was just a matter of time before I showed profit. Making a long story short, I got out of technical work and took a 20,000 dollar a year paycut, a gap that I am only just now, after nearly 10 years later, starting to close. My after 5PM business went under completely, my mentor quit. I left my fiancee and struck out on my own, compounding my economic woes. After a long uphill struggle that took its toll on my mental and physical health, I am just now getting it together. This was a single ‘career’ misstep with drastic, long-term consequences. As far as jobs go, I needed to keep what I had until I got things rolling, but hey, I was 27 and never had too much of a problem finding work. I had small side-gigs pulling in money. I will never make that mistake again, I never imagined what lay ahead of me. I never imagined that plan B and plan C would both fail, but they did. Plan A looks better and better every day, I can see why and how people get caught up in it. Yet, I will never put myself in a position to depend on it, to feed kids, or pay a big mortgage again. Someday, I will not be a wage-slave, soon I will be out of debt. Our savings are starting to show signs of life. I will get off this hamster wheel before I am fifty, one way or another. Time for some kind of Plan D.

Tradeoffs & Difficulties

Subway adventures in the Big Apple- today on the way in I was treated to some Bob Marley. The singing was on, the guitar needed some woodshedding, but not bad. On the way home, on the platform, I smelled something like, well, words nearly defy me. It was like someone had eaten, say, Stilton Cheese that had ALREADY gone bad, then promptly evacuated it out their backside in VERY large quantities. Gangrenous at best. The source appeared to be a homeless guy with his shoes off, working on his feet. Caucasian man, black feet. He was easily 10 yards away from me on the platform, and he still stung my nose like a hornet on crack.
Now, it did make me think. I do lean slightly to the left on politics, but I don’t consider myself liberal. I am very constitutionalist, pro-gun, pro-environment, fiscal conservative, but pro-choice. In other words, politically screwed these days. I think that people are at their laudable best when helping other people, and people are at their most human when taking responsibility for their actions. I for one am willing to admit that, toiling in the belly of the Nations economic beast, I am the system’s bitch and also reap the benefits thereof to a certain extent. I honestly have very little idea what my company’s main client’s financial chicanery involves, but let’s set all that aside for now. I want to talk about work in general, in whatever form it takes. Work and School seem to be what I like to refer to as the PROGRAM. It’s what is going on. School, then Work. The rest is your leisure time to do with as you see fit. Work finances the leisure time. You show up on time, you do what they ask without causing problems, giving attitude, or freelance BPR consulting on the cheap. You keep moving, and when you run out of tasks, you ask for more. In return, you get a check, an hour for lunch and usually free coffee. It seems fair, and for the mileage I get from it, a decent deal altogther. The question on my mind is: IS IT DIFFICULT? Honestly, for me it really isn’t. I am guessing that for your average person with a High School education, a little common sense, a little patience, and some ability to pay attention, it shouldn’t be Sisyphean. You shower, wear decent clothes, try to get along with your co-workers, and get a few things done. I freely admit that it is mostly not fun. Occasionally it is tedious, menial and frustrating. Every once in a while, I can engage the other surviving braincell and have a little moment in the sun. Sometimes there are meetings. Sometimes there are freebies. But such is work. It pays rent, food, electricity, the occasional book, CD, or meal out, and saved in large enough quantity: tuition, mutual funds, vacations, Holiday Gifts or startup capital. I ask again, is it difficult? As a former Psychology Major, I understand that this plan is not going to work for 100% of the people. However, it is obvious that there is some extra production to devote to this problem. There were always be the hardcore 4% and the 20% bottom quintile lagging the curve, we do have enough resources to help those. Let’s say I am not talking to those, but to the top 75% C gradepoints and above. Wash your f***ing feet. Finish school. Don’t do (ahem, too many) drugs or drink professionally. Don’t get pregnant or impregnate until you have some resources. Get it together and get with the program, because your alternate plan is probably NOT going to work. Someone please tell me why this is so hard. I don’t mean to sound frustrated, it’s just because I don’t get it. I have known this was the score since I was about 8 years old. Don’t anyone dare be surprised, the SYSTEM has a very limited ability to insulate you from the consequences of stupid decisions. By the way, thanks for the Marley. More to come on this.

Lessons of the Past

It is an interesting experience to go back and read my previous blog, the journal of several years compressed into a single quickly scanned reading session. On one hand, it reads like a list of failed projects. On another hand, there is progress that happened, things to take away from each little project that I used to this day. If something was learned, retained, can any experience be considered a ‘failure’? Not everything we do may lead to success, fame, riches, but that doesn’t mean it was a loss. Even now, I must break out of my past habits of judging myself harshly, because to just say “My God, what a complete loser!” is both a cop-out and an oversimplification of my late 90’s adventures and experiments. It turns out that I can look at it all through the lens of the present. Taking stock of the current situation upside: I live fairly well in New York, in an expensive, fairly safe, quiet neighborhood in Manhattan. I have a good dayjob with intelligent people that isn’t too stressful. I have very little debt and some savings. I have a great spouse who is excellent company, loving, and shares a lot of my interests. My health is good. I’d have to say that if my past decisions are what led to my present circumstances, let them stand and I am at peace with them.
I am not even sure yet what would need to be ‘fixed’. The only two issues I can discern on the downside are: 1) that I wouldn’t mind making a little more money and 2) I’d like to be doing something more ’significant’ in my dayjob. However, these complaints are vague and would need some time to sort out- what is ’significant’ work? Make more money- how? My life has almost always been about what I was doing in my spare time, and the dayjob was a brief interruption of those activities. I have to say that I am enjoying my life a lot right now, more so than at ANY other time in the past. I think these questions of money, career, legacy are things that most everyone seems to grapple with at one time or another, in one shape or form. A problem not to be solved in a single post, no doubt.

Problems with Christianity

On this mornings train into work today, we had a street preacher. It used to be that I would find this proselytizing very irritating and have been known in the past to switch cars when they start their one-directional rants. Then I figured out that what was really irritating me were my own unresolved issues with my former faith. Having thought through these at length, I found myself no longer irritated by the Reverend, but was able to sit, actually listen, and not react. So, here is what I figured out:

1) God does not torture like some terrorist. If we are going to speak in this way, we must remain internally consistent with our own definitions. An infinite, omnipresent being able to create itself and the universe by an act of will just for kicks does not need to behave like a third world dictator. Ergo, there is no hell. *

2) God does not give ultimatums. See #1.

3) Any gift of God is unconditionally given. If man is redeemed thereby, this redemption by definition covers ALL sins, including the ’sin’ of unbelief. Ergo, everyone is covered. ** If you are buying into the whole crucifixion as redemption, you have to be in all the way. Don’t shortchange the MAN, it covers ALL sins, period, not some. You will not find any disclaimers in the New Testament, and if you are taking on the Sins of the World, that means that you don’t set some back down like a dish in a buffet you didn’t like. Even those outside the faith with any understanding whatsoever won’t cheapen the Crucifixion that way because of the sheer immensity of that concept.

4) * Hell could be postulated as separation from God. However, if you define God as an infinite, omnipresent, self-created, universe-creating force, then you cannot be separated, Q.E.D.

5) If you publicly (or in church) do the born-again thing, or continue Christian Practice, you have declared yourself worthy of the gift of salvation, eliminating any self-caused illusion of separation from God. You are redeemed and therefore can feel safe from Judgment/Hell, etc..

6) If I was born already damned through “Original Sin”, that I can guarantee was not my choice. In such a case, I was created as damned. My own integrity requires that I remain condemned and fully own my ‘true’ nature, sheerly on principle.

In conclusion, what we have here is clearly a spiritual path inconsistent with its own definitions, an egotistical idolatry that appears driven by fear, guilt, and manipulation. So, what is obviously called for is a new approach, a new beginning, a new level of truly Spiritual Growth. A “New Path”- a Path with Heart. To start, I propose to adopt an Eastern concept in lieu of Hell, a Hell we must leave behind us forever as a bad memory.
**If you screw up, if you just plain don’t get it, if you must indulge in lies, thievery, whoring, idolatry, destruction, rape, warfare and otherwise murder to your heart’s content, well then, you just come back again. And maybe again after that. You keep going ’round the Wheel until you reach Understanding. I think this makes more sense than Hell, and seems more consistent with Universal cycles, Divine Nature etc.. Any questions?

Evil

Evil is the act of causing suffering. Evil feeds on suffering, the negative energy created by pain, by sorrow. Anything which causes suffering wilfully and feeds on it, is evil. Even if they cause it and don’t feed on it, this is evil in and of itself, by definition. Lesser evil stands by and allows suffering to be caused and says or does nothing. To say that suffering is relative is a cop out, as we can generally agree that when suffering happens it is obvious.

I went totally vegan today, does it show? I thought I was safe with the chickens as I knew they were killed cleanly in general, but the factory farming is a little piece of the Hell-Realms. The way that the chickens are raised is cruelty to the extreme. I had fired the beef and pork years ago, now I cannot stomach the birds either. Yep, my vegan lunch place was showing videos and I nearly HORKED up every piece of chicken I have ever eaten. I didn’t have to see very much of it to have disturbing images come to mind even THINKING of eating chicken. Yikes.

I wish that I could say that my spiritual life had progressed to the point where I could see past the ‘veils’, but I cannot. I wish I could report back from some Shamanic journey or dream, and say that I detected some immense presence, or several immense presences feeding on negative energy. It doesn’t mean they aren’t there, but I have to stick with what I have seen so far, and unfortunately, its just people. People are plenty bad enough to give any (personification of evil) a solid run for its money. Some Christians want to say its Demons, but I think this may lack responsibility. It’s time for me to move to the next phase of my spiritual development and make the move to vegan practice. It’s nowhere near as hard as I expected. More later on this, I was also watching the Freedom Riders last night, they need some keystrokes too. THKR.

Conclusions

There is an idea of success that I haven’t really fully developed in my mind, and the more I try to resolve it, the closer I come to a truth. What I have really been seeking, my idea of power and success has turned out to be independence. I have always had just a handful of very close friends as opposed to a large quantity of shallow relationships. Due to my tendencies to move frequently and my recent losses, I have come to cherish independence, a certain degree of solitude, a high respect for the idea of self-sufficiency. It’s not the work of the corporate world I despise, nor its corruption, nor even its greed, destruction and lies. It’s the dependency on it that I despise. My dependency, our dependency as a Society. This dependency will almost certainly lead to our extinction as a species. I have done largely without its significant benefits and its trappings for nearly 10 years now, and thus no longer miss what I no longer have.
I thought for a long time that more of the same would be the cure, and I have been contemplating the idea of B-school: MBA in finance. The more I contemplated that goal, the idea of beating them at their own game, the more I realized that I haven’t really got the interest in finance that I would need to make it through that slog. Plus, the Math part of the GMAT is currently indecipherable to me. In short, it would be starting over. Currently I am not much further along than when I first started right out of school, I make a little bit more, but still financially speaking, not much progress. I strongly believe that it is time to go in a new and different direction, one I have been contemplating for a time. It’s something that I’ve done some reading on and have much greater interest in than in finance. I think I have more aptitude for it and expect to take to the work like a duck to water. I think that, time and savings permitting, I will enroll in Tom Brown’s School in the Pine Barrens and pursue that for a while. I think for an investment of two weeks (not in a row), it will be time and money well spent and may point me in a more likely career direction. Plus, I may be able to contribute to a more Earth-centric cultural paradigm shift. No matter how it works, I think I still come out ahead, we shall see.

Adventuring on Long Island

Well, I am not sure if it could be considered an adventure, but I took the amazing Long Island Railroad out to a jobfair in the Nassau Coliseum. Doofus me gets out at the Westbury Station, no bus service, the stadium is, it turns out 1.5 miles away. Along the way I manage to stop in at the Nassau Aquatic Center and freshen up, so I wasn’t in complete disarray when I got there. But wouldn’t you know it, the one day in the last 3 months that I need to wear a suit and its 80 degrees. The walk was good, gave me a chance to think about things and make some decisions. Very few things are as good for thinking as a long walk, I understand that it was the preferred method for Beethoven when searching for inspiration. I can see that stern genius stumping along through Vienna now, hashing out his motifs in his head, contemplating modulations, counter melodies, development.

So, it was a productive trip anyway, and this is apropos of some games going on at work that I won’t go into detail on. Suffice it to say that a certain company let me know that the demand for my particular specialty exceeds the supply. Nice to know, I think it’s time for some games of my own. Gotta go check the phone messages and run a quick errand. Lots of love to all.

More on Money Issues

If 400/month of car bill went away, would it be worthwhile to live closer to work, within an hour by public transportation? The answer should be yes. Factor in the stress and existing mortgage, plus the time spent in transit, it seems a no-brainer to pay the extra in rent, if there is extra. I’ll use my ‘first house’ as an example. @900 in mortgage, 250 in car payment, 60 in gas, 150 in car insurance, 75 in maintenance if I am lucky. Total expense of 1435/month not counting registration & things like that. I wouldn’t try to tell any decent realtor that they couldn’t find a great 1-2 bedroom place within an hour of work in a safe neighborhood for @1300, with all the chi-chi stores and coffeeshops nearby, plus better restaurants, all the museums, theatres & art galleries. Yep, despite the density, higher noise level and slightly higher pollution, I am an urbanite. According to the math above, I come out 135 ahead and I have a feeling that will work in any major urban area in the country. It would still be worthwhile to me to go as high as 1500, just to know I am back home well before 7 PM! I sense a counter-migration by the intelligentsia about to happen if it hasn’t begun already.

So it seems worth the extra effort to try to squeeze another 6-8K in salary out of my dayjob, plus tuition reimbursement. It is interesting to discover that the margin between squeaking by and making progress with savings is just a few hundred a month. If I can get just a little more upwardly mobile, no major disasters happen, I think we can be out of debt very soon and looking at a ten-year timeframe have some good investments, business capital, long-term emergency fund and still be under 50 years old. It will take some discipline and effort, but I think we can do it. To be 60 and have some investments plus a paid-off place would be great. I think we would start with something small scale yet detached, something within reach of a train line. No time to waste anymore.