Tired

I seem to be in a state of deep FuckItude, there is an odd sort of freedom to it. I feel somewhat unpredictable, God knows what might happen ’cause my censors are on vacation. I could pop off at the mouth and administer an overdose of truth I may have to back up.

I had a nice visit to Tiger Shulman’s yesterday, that was helpful and caused some braincells to fire. Definitely a potential direction there, I could finish my Black Belt, that would give me a serious boost. It’d be nice to get back in shape and I like their hybrid approach, a cross between karate, kickboxing and submission grappling. Tap out or pass out, its all the same to me.

Not sure how to fix this one. How can I hate being out of work and hate working too? Maybe I should try to work part-time, that might do it. The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. It’s not like I’d be losing a lot, full-time still leaves me about as broke, frustrated, and with less time to fix both problems. At least Atrium did call, maybe I’ll work tomorrow.

Benjamins

I have finally decided to buckle down and address my cashflow problem. I have had an amazing opportunity come my way that I need to pursue with 100% of my focus, brainpower and energy. I am certain that it will replace my dayjob income completely within two years. It’s already interesting and rewarding straight from the outset. The upside potential is virtually limitless, the downside is low-risk and there are several exit strategies in case things go really South. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am heading towards it…. I will be a Real Estate Investor. The strategy: buy it, fix it, rent it out, repeat. The place: North Philadelphia. Target Market: students at Temple. The numbers: 4 studios per house (They are large (4/1)), one student is the gross breakeven point per house with a little down. Going to be busy, so not many posts forthcoming- I’ll post when we close.

What you don’t know does hurt you

I was in a financial workshop the other day to review some basics and I had an interesting experience. I sat next to a gentleman who seemed pleasant, slightly older, and of about average intelligence. In the process of our discussions, he indicated that he had lived on welfare, he had a very limited conception of life and a 9th grade education. He stated that he was about just going to work when he had it, going home afterward and ‘living his life’ which seemed to be about drinking 1 beer in front of the TV, a temperance enforced by a limited budget. It hurt me in my heart to hear him, he seemed to have been sold some bizarre bill of goods and it appeared that something happened to him to limit his expectations of himself. The workshop mediator seemed to make only a limited impression on him, I wasn’t sure if it helped. I knew someone like him when I lived in Virginia, and I was baffled. I didn’t know what to begin to say to him, I didn’t even know how I could ever help him. He seemed open to new ideas, but it didn’t seem like he was headed for any kind of change. I felt bad for him, maybe the folks I was working with could help him get a GED. He had no phone and no computer. It suddenly occurred to me that I may have been operating under similar erroneous assumptions, maybe not to the same degree, but maybe I’ve bought into something about myself that may not be so. I need to learn from this and find ways in which I may be limiting myself and eluding the success I am seeking.

The Power of Blank

I had this odd moment today on the train when my mind just went totally empty, and it stayed that way for a while. All I was doing was perception without judgment, for that time I had total clarity as if someone had turned off all of my thoughts, seriously a completely blank slate of pure consciousness. It was not a cause for panic, I wasn’t even fascinated with it, I didn’t feel crazy or that anything was wrong.

It was the happiest I have been since April or so, I wish I could do it on purpose. It was like a vacation, refreshing.

Finishing things

It has recently been brought to my attention that some people see me as someone who doesn’t finish things, who doesn’t stick with things to completion. I think this is a bit simplistic way to look at my life, likewise it is simplistic to say reflexively that it isn’t true. This comes from a person who will be unnamed, but who is not in a position to talk this way about other people. Normally this flavor of bullshit wouldn’t take one second of my time, but it has bothered me enough to take a second look for several reasons. Here is the simple view of my history:

High School: Completed
Bachelor’s Degree: Completed
1997 Marine Corps Marathon: Completed
1997 Metropolitan Opera Regional Finals: Completed

One fly in the ointment: Martial Arts. Whenever I have thought about this in the past, this is the only thing that sticks in my craw as being incomplete. Someday I would like to go back and take the black belt, I really feel that it would help me a lot. I have some other things to handle, but it is on the list. As far as projects go though, it’s definitely Dormant.
Fly number 2: The book. This is one of my major projects I have started, which deserves time and is highly rewarding, but always seems to get short shrift, the old procrastination. However, I do put time into it regularly and I think about it daily. I think I’ll be kind to myself and call this one one In Progress. Here is where the reward comes from thinking about things like this. Everything else outside of this list drops off sharply in priority, meaning and significance. I am going to take High School off the list, in acknowledgement of the fact that your normal, healthy person of average intelligence and reasonable discipline can take this one basically for granted with the minimum of effort. To be completely honest, I have to include Fly #3: WMA, and some mention of #4: Playtime Piano. I am going to look at #4 first. I would have to rank playtime as a large disappointment to me, on several fronts. First, I LOVED it. Secondly, I was VERY good at it. If I could’ve done it full-time I think I could’ve been at least a Regionally known instructor and in about 4 or 5 more years would’ve been preparing students for Conservatory Auditions. I was planning to go back to school for it. Thirdly, I made very little money at it in comparison to my travel costs. If I could’ve gotten them to come to me, I would have quickly been economically viable with it beyond my wildest dream of self-employment. So this is a source of grief to me, but I have a legacy in my star student David LLanso. I am not sure what I would have to do with this one to consider it complete. I’ll call this one just like a college undergrad class: Incomplete. OK- Fly #3: WMA. First, I did not love it. It took an enormous toll on me and Second, I lost my shirt on it and had to declare Chapter 13. I wish I had the dignity of Chapter 11….BUT- Thirdly, it wasn’t a total loss. I learned enough from it and as a result I expect to retire in my mid-fifties, at the minimum financially independent. The goal of WMA was to retire independently wealthy as soon as possible. WMA, having given me the knowledge to do so, I am going to call this one Completed. So, dropping High School gives me this reality check:

College: Completed
Marathon: Completed
Met Regionals: Completed
Playtime: Incomplete
WMA: Completed
The Book: In Progress
Martial Arts: Dormant

In a positive way I would call myself 4 for 7. Liberally rounding up yet looking at it quantitatively, I finish about 58% percent of what I start. However, if I complete the two projects I left hanging, I am 6 for 7, or 86%. I could still at that point change one on the list to categorical failure, a solid loss, and still go 5 for 7 or 72%. Making a list like this really is about dealing with a moment of truth, do you finish what you start? What is on your list? I think it might be easy to turn this kind of flashlight on others when its not going to look very good to turn it on yourself. There is a lesson here. As far as I am concerned, most people I know don’t even have a list like this to begin with, to look at and say, hey, maybe I can do better. What will I regret not finishing? What will you regret not starting?