I think I’ve hit that point again, that complete loss of all desire to blog. There are a few reasons for this, the primary one being a new, very demanding job. The second one being that I don’t think it helps me much, before when I was doing it more, blogging was a way for me to think out loud, vent a little and clarify my thoughts as well. Another reason is that as far as wisdom goes, philosophy and religion, I feel that I have found the answer that is right for me and I have begun practice accordingly. Not only have I become focused on that to the exclusion of almost all other mental traffic, I have also gone a little bit dry as far as producing unrelated thought. It’s quickly taken me to a point of serious detachment and equanimity, which is what it was designed to do. I clearly perceive all things to be impermanent, not self, and bound up inextricably with suffering. Far from killing my joy, I’ve gone past it to a new place I have never been before. As the Eastern Wisdom says: better not to begin, but once begun, better finish. So I shall. Thanks to everyone for reading – may you too be freed from all suffering.

Due to a number of my experiences both at work and as a singer, I am finding it really hard to maintain a work ethic. Having been hospitalized with exhaustion in the past, I am not a stranger to hard work. I am sure that I can probably recall instances in my life when hard work has generated results, but usually I am hard pressed to do so. Often, I am presented with unexpected results that are usually challenging to deal with, not always just due to the surprise factor. I don’t have any illusions that I am the only one with these feelings, I am certain that there are others out there that have worked hard at something over a long period of time, only to end up with unexpected results, either from supervisors, co-workers, support staff, or just a plain case of missing zeroes in a paycheck. In my rapidly advancing middle-age, I have become extremely jealous of my time and energy. I am determined to work smarter and to detect bullshit at an earlier stage of the game. Contrary to the belief of some, I am a detail person and its how I get paid on the rare occasions that I do see a decent check. It has become obvious to me at this point that hard work is only part of the picture, I think the solution in my case is to apply that technique more skillfully, more strategically. I have to admit there has been a recent occasion where I could’ve worked harder, and I am more than willing to own that when the rare occasion arises. I think that is it, I will call it a skillful hand on the gearshift, to hold that 5th gear in reserve until I am certain its needed. Until then, everyone is on notice, prepare to see a LOT of third gear and you know its special when you see my fourth gear. There may only be a small handful of occasions left in my life where I will deploy my carefully managed 5th gear. I’ll think of it as circumspection in not sparing the Dharma assets, this is good practice for now, pending future updates to the strategy.

Everything seems to be humming along nicely, I am a little depressed from mailing out the last of the Bel Sogno CDs. Yet, I am excited at the same time, the best bet for me this year is to focus on school. If I really hit it hard this year, I will be an intern next fall and still on track to graduate in 2011. One of the lessons involved in doing the Masters, goal-wise, is that it has been the longest-term project I have done. The Bachelor’s was only hard work for about two years. The Met Regionals and the Marathon were hard work for about 6 months. Martial Arts for the true practitioner becomes a life-style and part of one’s identity, the same with music. Practice and running long just became a habit. So, in a nutshell, the other goals were not as long-term. As much as I hate to realize it, I am one of those people that needs to make an effort to stay focused beyond that two-year mark, into that 3-year range. I think finishing this degree will put me in good shape to look at my investing goals in terms of working hard for one year longer than the Masters, say 4 years to get a good portfolio going and re-fi the first property. I am staying the course, keeping positive at all times. Only positive thinking is productive thinking.

It is very easy and very tempting to lose patience, to make a bad decision that some external circumstance is what needs to change, when in actuality it is me that needs to change. It is too easy to say that the job needs to change, the city needs to change, the spouse needs to change. I have matured enough at this point to realize that it is me this time. The most important thing I need to do is maintain, to stay the course and be patient. It is written: “A good man may suffer until his goodness comes to fruition.” I will not be swayed by the temptation of the quick fix, but I will stick with my long-term plans.

Problems with the ‘American Dream’

1) Ecologically unsustainable.

2) Suburbs lack character.

3) Economically precarious. The suburban lifestyle seems designed to keep its participants in maximum debt and commuting too many hours out of the day. Also a little to0 dependent on the corporate machine, and between their sketchy business models, questionable accounting and dehumanizing divisions of labor…Creates a need to dramatically re-architect our culture from the ground up. We should actively do this before the inevitable catastrophic collapse I see coming that is tied to Peak Oil.  

4) Conquering through division. Although its focus on the family is admirable, the cocooning/nesting aspect of it can break down the community. The upside of apartment living is much greater levels of contact with the neighbors, both positive and negative present opportunities for growth/contact/community. I have seen suburbs with solid networks of friendships, but it takes a little more effort to develop them.

On the more positive side- I have seen a model whereby small-scale family farming coupled with advanced technology and seriously green practice seems to offer hope for a new way. Two very important things need to happen: 1) Our culture needs to change profoundly. 2) We must break our dependence on oil and our dependence on the corporate machine that drives unsustainable lifestyles and ultimately unfulfilling consumerist mentalities.

Given the current economic climate and a few other things going on, I wanted to use my blog to kind of sort out a few thoughts and clarify intent. I think that the basic design of the American Dream is still intact, the paper part of it is sound, but the implementation may be off. Several of my friends seem to have attained the American Dream, and in the interest of disclosure I have to admit that my standard of living is very good. The best place to start is with definitions- what is the American Dream and is it common to all people from all walks of life in this country? Is it a global meme? Just going on what’s in my head under this file, I would start by saying this concept has its most recent roots in the post- WW2 economic boom and the corresponding baby boom. Its ancestral prototype is most likely the family farm. The basic configuration seems to be a nice home in the suburbs, with a backyard and front yard, a decent car and a commute to an office job. Marriage, two kids, Mom either works or doesn’t, but in these economic times, Mom does now. Two weeks vacation per year, typically to the beach. It sounds good to me. It sounds like the way I grew up. What could be wrong, what could be lacking, what could disturb this supposedly ideal scenario? Shouldn’t everybody live this way and go to church with thankful hearts on Sunday? In this post, I think I want to just lay out the basic premise, to trouble-shoot and investigate deserves an entire separate post. Next: Trouble in Paradise.

I am really starting to see the bucketlist as just getting my affairs in order before a new phase of life. I have a feeling that I know what I am going to do once the bucketlist is completed. As I move deeper into my spiritual practice, I am beginning to feel that the practice moves deeper into me. In short, I am certain that I am in the midst of a deep and profound transformation, which I have been seeking for a long time. In a way, I think that everything that I have put time and energy into has led me to this point. Now, I start to see everything going cool for me, desires are just dropping away from me like a snakeskin being shed. I can see the way ahead very clearly: weekend retreats giving way to months and then year long intensives, a strange sense of calm joy inevitability overtakes me when I think of it. I can picture myself working in the monastery garden. I picture myself in the hall, in the robes, with my head shaved. I can see myself in the service, in the kitchen with the tenzo, helping here and there. It will all happen when the time is right. It’s one of those things that protects itself: too early and it won’t be right. There is no too late, so there is no rush.

The big 4-0 is truly a profound reality check. Staring down the barrel of this moment, I am overdue for a serious inventory. Unquestionably, it has to be about more than just looking at where I am in relation to where I hoped to be, what I am doing in relation to what I want or wanted to be doing, to look at Net Worth as an important number, and to figure out what action needs to be taken. It cannot be as simple as saying, well, I have money karma, but that is the only problem. I am starting to realize that if money is a problem, there are other things going on that influence it. Money issues may be the result of several other smaller issues that combine to generate some tight cash flow. On the positive side, my debt is very low, I don’t impulse buy, and I never spend a huge amount at one time unless its a matter of life and death. One of the things that will come to an immediate halt is my tendency to do a certain thing that leaves me only tired, angry and broke. So I am setting a concrete-solid deadline of May 10th for a certain project I am working on, and that is one thing taken care of. Now I need to take some time to explore what some other things might be that feed into the money karma. My chief weapon in this battle is meditation. If I center my life around this practice, what happens is that the ‘metabolisms of consumption’ that drive desires to spend money on this that or the other, start to vanish. I return to the basics- shelter, food, clothing, coffee and Borders. The next part of the puzzle is clarity of intention. The bucket list is my chief weapon here, this enables me to really screen out things that aren’t on it and stay focused on the items there. I can clearly visualize the items getting crossed off, plus I even know what to do once the list is complete. The last part is to just trust myself. Althought the results are not always obvious and there is some delayed gratification involved, I have to just trust myself that I am on track and know what I am doing, and in the long-term, the little seeds I plant and nurture will come to flower. Something that was very encouraging is my spring cleaning project, which is going splendidly. My living space, my habits, the way I have things organized is ready to support a higher, leaner, meaner and more productive way of functioning and thinking. More to come.

Yep, it’s that time of year again, time to pay the man. The most beautiful thing about money is that it doesn’t bullshit. You always know exactly where you stand as far as what you earn, what you spend, what your net worth is and how much you owe. It is the simplest, most direct reality check to get those W-2 s and 1099s in the mail along with whatever other forms may be coming. Like many people, I see these numbers and to me they are not anywhere near what I feel they should be or what I am capable of doing. Yet, there always seems to be some circumstance, problem, issue or whatever that creates a delay in this hopeful realization of my latent earning potential. I’ve tried most everything I can think of, and I know why things are the way they are, yet every year I get those little forms, its still the mental equivalent of a kick in the crotch. I think what is called for at this point is just patience and persistence, because I am finally clear about what my next ‘career’ is and how to get it going. Yet, it takes time. I am starting to discover the why of the 80-20 rule and the full essence of people valuing success, goals and high income precisely because its not easy. When it does come, I will not squander the income and I have many options for giving back. On the positive side, I will value it more because it seems to take so long to get where I am going. It is tiring and frustrating, but I really believe it’ll be worth it when I/we get there. Stay the course, full speed ahead.

I am kind of in the middle of a huge spring cleaning project, all my energy seems focused on that, there is not much left over between school, work and this recording I am doing. I am trying to keep a frantic element from infusing my business, that never helps. Instead, I think patience is called for. Rome wasn’t burnt in a day. Because of the fact that I had expected to be in a very different situation career and finance -wise by now, I do feel a certain urgency to my various to-do’s. I am beginning to suspect that things aren’t precisely where I’d like because my spiritual life has been an afterthought at best for a very long time. Instead of making it the foundation, the core of my life, it has been on the back burner, barely on the stove even. As I begin to rectify that situation, I am noticing a shift, a pronounced shift in how everything goes. I am not as angry. I am a lot more patient. My relationships are better. I handle unexpected results and situations better. I could say that I wish I started earlier, but it is what it is, maybe the timing wasn’t right. The more I get my spiritual life going, the closer it gets to being completely integrated with my waking consciousness, then everywhere becomes the temple, my awareness becomes meditation, every perception the Dharma, every person the Tathagata. My financial and career goals seem to pale in comparison to this vision, yet, they just fall into a deeper context and lose a little of their inherent stress factor. It becomes OK for things to be just as they are, which must be accepted and perceived accurately before any real change can happen.